What Happens in _____ stays in _____: This typically applies to Las Vegas but I have heard it used in conjunction with popular spring break destinations and even Second Life. If this were true, I would never have to hear stories about being down three hundie, going all in and then then hitting pocket aces on a triple blind river or whatever the fuck with the other guy showing a pair of jacks and a medium-sized erection.
Revolutionary: In grade school history class, you learn that revolutions are typically violent uprisings that bring massive changes to a country's government. Nowadays, the term is applied to new technologies that cause even the slightest blip in the way a small portion of people do things. Apple describes the iPhone as a "revolutionary" phone. The iPhone offers a touch screen, Google Maps integration, a built in e-mail client and a mobile version of the Safari web browser. The American Revolution won independence from Britain and provided hundreds of millions of future Americans the ability to rule their home country. The two are not comparable. From now on if you can't call something revolutionary unless someone has died or it results in a very bitter monarch.
Change: This word has been abused by politicians so much lately. Often you hear "We need change," and everyone nods their head in agreement without knowing exactly what the hell that means. The vagueness of the word allows it to be easily exploited. If I were running for president on a platform of "change" and somehow managed to win I would establish a National Stab Your Florist in the Gall Bladder Day and change the pledge allegiance to a slam poem written by Anne Coulter. Technically, those actions count as change and would hopefully teach voters a lesson about latching on to vague words.
How Are You: Usually, this follows a greeting and is commonly asked by people who do not know each other particularly well. I rarely have answered this question in detail or truthfully. 90% of the time this question is answered with a good, ok or fine regardless of how the askee actually is. Why are we still asking this question of each other if it rarely results in a useful or honest response. I favor asking a random yet more interesting question to follow your greetings. Here are a few suggestions:
"Hi Joe. What are you feelings on abortion?"
"Oh hey Peter, I haven't seen you in a while. Can you teach me how to read?"
"Hello Sally. When you die, can I have your television or other electronics of value?"
"Yo Tina! If LeBron James dunked on Jesus while he was playing him man to man, do you think God would want him to switch to a zone allowing other players to help guard him?"
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
The guide to inter fan dating - Pittsburgh Steelers edition
Ever see an attractive guy/girl wearing a Raiders shirt and think to yourself, "Hey, I would like to ask that person out , maybe I will approach him/her"? Well snap out of that shit, there are some combinations that just do not blend well. If you can not manage to find another Steeler fan here is the definitive guide for what's acceptable.
Acceptable:
Green Bay Packers - If you have to date outside of your fanhood this is probably the ideal pairing of teams. The teams both have great histories and haven't played many meaningful games against one another. For guys, looking for a date in the fan pools of these two teams will provide the best possible chances for meeting someone.
Chicago Bears - Outside of the arguments about the 85 bears Defense vs the Steel Curtain I don't see this one causing any problems. The correct answer is the Steel Curtain by the way.
Minnesota Vikings - These guys gave us one of our rings back in the 70's. Buy them a drink to show your gratitude.
Detroit Lions - There was that Thanksgiving coin toss, but it wasn't there fault. No drama here. You can also be fairly confident we will never play them in the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia Eagles - Our cross state brothers. There's minimal animosity between the two teams (except when they had T.O.). Also, let's not forget about the Steagles.
New York Giants - They used to be in the borderline group just because of Plaxico. All is forgiven, thank you guys for blowing up the death star and saving football for the rest of the world.
St. Louis Rams - These guys gave us another ring during our dynasty years. Thank you, that's very kind.
New Orleans Saints - Even though they tried to rip off the black and gold thing I'm not going to hold it against them.
Carolina Panthers, Atlanta Falcons, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans - None of these teams matter to anyone, let alone a steelers fan.
Borderline:
San Francisco 49ers - They've got 5 rings, we've got 5 rings. Eventually, one team will make it to 6 and ruin any relationship.
New York Jets - They would be acceptable but were penalized because of they way they let their team draft. Stand up for yourselves!
Kansas City Chiefs - No real beef but they are in the AFC so proceed with caution, as long as you can tolerate the red and yellow.
Miami Dolphins - Dan Marino grew up in Penn Hills. That's their only redeeming quality.
Buffalo Bills - Would be acceptable but they gave the Cowboys their 3rd and 4th rings. At this point they have come to expect disappointment which is not good for any relationship.
Indianapolis Colts - With one ring they are still acceptable but on their way out. Thank god for Nick Harper's wife.
Washington Redskins - They have 3 rings and took Randle El, Jerks.
Unacceptable:
San Diego Chargers - Does anyone remember Alfred Pupunu?
Seattle Seahawks - They would be in the acceptable category if it weren't for all the waterworks after Super Bowl XL. No one likes whiners with excuses.
Tennessee Titans - Used to be the Oilers so fuck them. Also, let's not forget Joe Nedney's acting job in the playoffs a few years back...very low class.
Jacksonville Jaguars, Denver Broncos - AFC teams that always seem to come up with Bullshit. These are historically the biggest bullshit teams in the NFL. It's best to avoid this level of bullshit.
Arizona Cardinals - No real problem with the Cardinals, but anyone that would voluntarily label themselves a Cardinal fan has epically bad judgment and should be avoided.
Unacceptable under any circumstances:
Oakland Raiders - Don't waste your time trying to prove that the ball did not hit the ground before Franco Harris got possession of it. There's still a lot of bad blood left over from the playoffs during the 70's.
Dallas Cowboys - We've faced them in 3 Super Bowls and they are the exact opposite of everything we believe in....high maintenance whores.
New England Patriots - Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are personally responsible for global warming, inflation, and teenage drug use. The same goes for their fans.
Cincinnati Bengals - Lost souls wandering in the darkness. Don't let them drag you into their pit of misery and self loathing.
Cleveland Browns - You could be charged with domestic violence with some of the beatings we have given Cleveland in recent years.
Baltimore Ravens - If I have to explain this one you don't qualify to read this list.
Acceptable:
Green Bay Packers - If you have to date outside of your fanhood this is probably the ideal pairing of teams. The teams both have great histories and haven't played many meaningful games against one another. For guys, looking for a date in the fan pools of these two teams will provide the best possible chances for meeting someone.
Chicago Bears - Outside of the arguments about the 85 bears Defense vs the Steel Curtain I don't see this one causing any problems. The correct answer is the Steel Curtain by the way.
Minnesota Vikings - These guys gave us one of our rings back in the 70's. Buy them a drink to show your gratitude.
Detroit Lions - There was that Thanksgiving coin toss, but it wasn't there fault. No drama here. You can also be fairly confident we will never play them in the Super Bowl.
Philadelphia Eagles - Our cross state brothers. There's minimal animosity between the two teams (except when they had T.O.). Also, let's not forget about the Steagles.
New York Giants - They used to be in the borderline group just because of Plaxico. All is forgiven, thank you guys for blowing up the death star and saving football for the rest of the world.
St. Louis Rams - These guys gave us another ring during our dynasty years. Thank you, that's very kind.
New Orleans Saints - Even though they tried to rip off the black and gold thing I'm not going to hold it against them.
Carolina Panthers, Atlanta Falcons, Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Houston Texans - None of these teams matter to anyone, let alone a steelers fan.
Borderline:
San Francisco 49ers - They've got 5 rings, we've got 5 rings. Eventually, one team will make it to 6 and ruin any relationship.
New York Jets - They would be acceptable but were penalized because of they way they let their team draft. Stand up for yourselves!
Kansas City Chiefs - No real beef but they are in the AFC so proceed with caution, as long as you can tolerate the red and yellow.
Miami Dolphins - Dan Marino grew up in Penn Hills. That's their only redeeming quality.
Buffalo Bills - Would be acceptable but they gave the Cowboys their 3rd and 4th rings. At this point they have come to expect disappointment which is not good for any relationship.
Indianapolis Colts - With one ring they are still acceptable but on their way out. Thank god for Nick Harper's wife.
Washington Redskins - They have 3 rings and took Randle El, Jerks.
Unacceptable:
San Diego Chargers - Does anyone remember Alfred Pupunu?
Seattle Seahawks - They would be in the acceptable category if it weren't for all the waterworks after Super Bowl XL. No one likes whiners with excuses.
Tennessee Titans - Used to be the Oilers so fuck them. Also, let's not forget Joe Nedney's acting job in the playoffs a few years back...very low class.
Jacksonville Jaguars, Denver Broncos - AFC teams that always seem to come up with Bullshit. These are historically the biggest bullshit teams in the NFL. It's best to avoid this level of bullshit.
Arizona Cardinals - No real problem with the Cardinals, but anyone that would voluntarily label themselves a Cardinal fan has epically bad judgment and should be avoided.
Unacceptable under any circumstances:
Oakland Raiders - Don't waste your time trying to prove that the ball did not hit the ground before Franco Harris got possession of it. There's still a lot of bad blood left over from the playoffs during the 70's.
Dallas Cowboys - We've faced them in 3 Super Bowls and they are the exact opposite of everything we believe in....high maintenance whores.
New England Patriots - Tom Brady and Bill Belichick are personally responsible for global warming, inflation, and teenage drug use. The same goes for their fans.
Cincinnati Bengals - Lost souls wandering in the darkness. Don't let them drag you into their pit of misery and self loathing.
Cleveland Browns - You could be charged with domestic violence with some of the beatings we have given Cleveland in recent years.
Baltimore Ravens - If I have to explain this one you don't qualify to read this list.
Saturday, April 5, 2008
Google Quest - My mission of first results page dominance
Today I Googled my name, Mike Rhoads, and found that I only occupy one spot on the front page. Surprisingly, this site is the 3rd result on Google...just under Mike Rhoads Karate:
The only other relevant link I found in the first five result pages was my jaiku profile, which I rarely use. After seeing that, I've decided that I want to be the only Mike Rhoads on Google's font page and have made that my mission. I will report back every so often with details of my successes or failures.
To kick things off, here are 9 links to some of my profiles on different sites around the web:
Mike Rhoads on Twitter
Mike Rhoads on Jaiku
Mike Rhoads on Pownce
Mike Rhoads on YouTube
Mike Rhoads on Flickr
Mike Rhoads on StumbleUpon
Mike Rhoads on Digg
Mike Rhoads on Propeller
Mike Rhoads on Facebook
Hulu is Here
I could write some long description of what Hulu is and how it works or I can just demonstrate the glory:
The Yamaha Tesseract
Ever want to force a praying mantis to impregnate a motorcycle and then use the the offspring to commute to work? You may have that chance some day in the near future(minus the forced mating). Yamaha debuted their "Tesseract" concept vehicle at this year's Tokyo Motor Show and it looks promising. This is the first motorcycle that will increase your chances of scoring with alien chicks and human chicks simultaneously. As an added bonus, the engine is also a v-twin/electric hybrid.
Check it out for yourself:
Check it out for yourself:
My career as a soapbox racer has probably come to an end
Recently Ryan brought the San Fernando Valley Illegal Soap Box Federation aka SFVISBF to my attention. His idea was to gather a crack team of engineers and construct something to race in the late spring competition. We grouped together about 5 or 6 people we knew and developed some loose plans. Since I already owned a helmet I was granted the task of piloting the vehicle, which I was looking foward to. We realized that we did not have enough time to properly prepare for the March 9th race so we decided to wait for the following one.
In the afternoon of March 9th I caught wind of an "odd racing death" in Tarzana and after a few minutes of research I discovered that it happened at the SFVISBF race.Michael Matt Garcia, a 22 year old racer, lost control of his kart at high speed and collided with a parked Lexus SUV.
I'm pretty sure this means that there will not be a next race and that I will never get the chance to ride in one of these gravity powered death machines. Damn.
In the afternoon of March 9th I caught wind of an "odd racing death" in Tarzana and after a few minutes of research I discovered that it happened at the SFVISBF race.
I'm pretty sure this means that there will not be a next race and that I will never get the chance to ride in one of these gravity powered death machines. Damn.
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